I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
