I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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