Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
