my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
