Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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