I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize