I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
