What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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