my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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