1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
