fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
