i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
