you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize