Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
