so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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