I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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