You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
