Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
