I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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