Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
