just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
