so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You pole danced in your parka.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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