I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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