hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
