you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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