I am puke
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
