Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
