Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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