Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
