I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
