I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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