u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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