A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
