I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
