Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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