Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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