Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
