i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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