Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
