My liver just broke up with me...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He shit in the fireplace
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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