I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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