Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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