ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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