Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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