How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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