When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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