my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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