I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
