Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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