I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
