Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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