me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize