My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize