When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
